New Tesla Owner Surprised By No Boost to Fragile Ego

PALO ALTO, CA — After driving his new Tesla Model S around for a week, 43-year-old Bill Gibbons told reporters Friday morning that he was surprised the car did not give his ego a boost like he expected.

“Like any new car owner, I was excited,” said Bill, reminiscing when he finally got the keys to the brand new electric vehicle after spending a week’s worth of earnings on it. “I was looking for a change of scene from my Lamborghini. Turns out, I still felt the same emptiness I’ve always felt inside.”

Sources close to Bill say that he even posted a photo on Instagram of himself next to the Model S while striking a Wu-Tang clan pose, but deleted it soon afterward when his wife was the only person that liked it.

“Honestly, I thought buying a Tesla would make me feel better about myself,” continued Bill. “Seeing my neighbors juggle between multiple Teslas and Toyota Priuses drove me nuts. There’s no way I was going to let the Guptas be the most eco-friendly family on the block.”

Fueled by the resilient fire of Silicon Valley, Bill told reporters at press time that he’s confident his ego will experience a boost after spending next week’s earnings on a new Tesla Model X instead.

About the author

Irving Ruan

Irving Ruan is a humor writer living in the San Francisco Bay Area. His work has been published in McSweeney's and he regularly contributes to Slackjaw on Medium. He likes macaroons.

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