Want to stand out on the world’s most annoying social network? Here are 7 tips to outshine everyone on LinkedIn.
1. Write your summary in the third person
Only commoners write their own LinkedIn summaries. Show the world how important you are by writing your summary in the third person so people think you’re a VIP. Your profile viewers will be convinced that someone spent time writing your biography and will send your LinkedIn cred skyrocketing.
2. Turn your common characteristics into catchy buzzword jargon
You’re not like other candidates. You’ve got a growth-mindset and a results-driven approach. Show everyone you’re a purple unicorn by turning your common characteristics into catchy buzzwords and phrases. Here are a few examples:
- Do you occasionally brainstorm with co-workers? Then you’re a “multifaceted thought-partner”
- Did you offer a suggestion during your last department meeting? Then you’re a “forward thinking industry disruptor”
3. Share a useless inspirational quote
Pretend to care about how other people are doing on their career journey by sharing an inspirational leadership quote. Take a well known quote and change it slightly so it sounds like it’s original. Here are a few examples:
- We are all a work in progress. Challenge yourself each and every day.
- Who are you? What are your dreams? What’s holding you back? Go for it.
- Some people say it’s another Monday. I say it’s another chance to soar to your potential.
4. Master the humble-brag
Consistently post about how many connections you have, but do it humbly, of course. Don’t worry if it isn’t true, nobody will be able to verify. People will automatically assume you are a LinkedIn celebrity and will clamor to connect with you. Use one of these templates.
- “So blessed to be 1 connection away from 15K connections.”
- “It is ridiculous that LinkedIn won’t allow me to go over 40K connections.”
- “Looking for an assistant to help me manage my 39K connections.”
5. Tell people how they’re using LinkedIn wrong
Nothing makes you look more like a LinkedIn expert than chiding people for their incorrect LinkedIn behavior. Here are a few examples:
- “LinkedIn is NOT a dating site. I’m going through all my 20K connections and blocking a few.”
- “LinkedIn is NOT Facebook. Please stop posting things that belong on Facebook.”
- “LinkedIn is NOT email. Keep the cooking recipes to yourself.”
6. Celebrity cameo
So, you went to a convention and managed to snag a photo with Zuckerberg, eh? Be sure to use it as your profile photo. People will think you are an important industry insider with top notch connections. Find ways to boast about how you and Zuckerberg regularly bounce ideas off one another; it’s not like anyone will reach out to him to confirm if it’s true.
7. Let everyone know that you’re too important to use LinkedIn
The simplest way to outshine everyone else on LinkedIn is to use it solely to inform people that you are not using it. Huh? It’s easy. Create a profile, spend time populating it with your photo and experience BUT in your summary section write something like
“I’M NEVER ON HERE. EMAIL ME IF YOU WANT TO REACH ME AT firstname.lastname@example.org”
This step alone will boost your image while making everyone else feel trivial and small. They’ll never know that you actually spend most of your day on the site sending blind connection requests.