Honest Job Description: Open Position for Marketing Manager

Here at Angst Co., you matter. Whether it’s your journey, your career trajectory or your passion, we try to look like we care about all of it. Innovation is in our DNA. Well, it’s in our CEO’s DNA since we just do whatever his latest random idea is. So is community involvement. Once a year, we’ll give you and your colleagues matching t-shirts so you can replant the same tree you did last year. We’ll even take a fun jumping picture for our corporate culture blog.

As a member of the marketing team, you’ll have a front row seat to the five-year corporate transformation initiative, with occasional glimpses of the dysfunction that got us to this never ending cesspool of indecision. With the help of your manager, the marketing leadership team and a great deal of codeine, you’ll be managing multiple projects, and contributing to broader cross-functional initiatives that will likely come to nothing, but will look fantastic on your LinkedIn profile.

Key responsibilities

  • You’ll work on cutting edge ad campaigns, many involving our CFO’s favourite breed of small, angry dog
  • Create and stare at complex spreadsheets, with advanced conditional formatting rules that create the illusion you’re making progress. Once a month, you will cut and paste your entire spreadsheet into a single PowerPoint slide for the VP of Marketing to use to justify her massive overspend
  • Working in small, airless, rooms you’ll get to repurpose last year’s promotions and price books, with enough stock photography to make them look fresh and innovative
  • Create a quarterly review that demonstrates how seldom your colleagues in sales follow up on the leads that do happen to penetrate our medieval web form
  • Champion our brand at industry trade shows by handing out stale popcorn in exchange for a chance to win a suitcase with wheels
  • Hide under your desk when the HR director comes looking for help with the holiday party
  • Ensure at least 75% of your time is spent in meetings. It’s not important which meetings you attend, as long as you are seen to be in a room with other people and a projector

Qualifications

  • Naturally we want you to have an MBA, so there’s plenty of debt holding you in a job that makes your soul hurt; a PhD is even better.
  • Minimum 12 years’ experience in basically the exact same job so we don’t have to train you; 6 months will do just fine – this isn’t rocket science
  • 5 years of industry experience is an asset — not that our industry is any different from any other, but we’re hoping you have some juicy gossip and enough of a grudge to share your former gig’s marketing plan for next year
  • Experience writing detailed creative briefs so our agencies can rewrite them and present them back to your boss as their ideas
  • Ability to supervise random suppliers because they are your boss’ boss’ friends
  • Track record of showing up at all the marketing awards dinners with a spare bottle just in case
  • Attention to detail and a commitment to excellence are lovely attributes and will earn you a handsome coffee mug
  • Strong communication skills are a must, so you can produce 70-slide budget decks like a boss
  • An ability to play Candy Crush on your phone while pretending to update the Twitter feed is a considerable advantage
  • We value diversity and inclusion, just try not to be different or weird

Are you ready to make a difference? But not really?

Email your resume to us and we’ll try to get back to you before the next re-org, at which point this position will no longer exist.

About the author

Elizabeth Williams

Elizabeth Williams is an award-winning Toronto-based brand and communications expert who helps organizations have better conversations with customers, prospects, employees and shareholders..

She started out as a reporter but soon learned that the hours were better in marketing and communications, and went off to do that instead. She has since worked in the insurance, technology, advertising, telecommunications and financial services sectors. Prior to launching her consulting practice, she was head of brand and communications at ADP Canada.

Over the past 20 years she has worked with companies including Rogers, The Beer Store, Bank of Montreal, Epost, Route1 and Aon to help them tell their stories and engage their employees and customers in meaningful conversations. When she isn't doing all of this, Elizabeth is negotiating with her teenaged children, playing soccer, skiing, gardening or cooking. She secretly wants to be a figure skater.
You can reach Elizabeth at ewilliams@candlerchase.com

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