Business Jargon for the Home

How to use business jargon to navigate awkward situations in your personal relationships.

Like everyone, I like to leave as much client drama, work stress, and general responsibility at the office as possible. But there’s something about business jargon I can’t let go of.

My partner and I have found a use for these ridiculous phrases while navigating our day-to-day post-work edginess. We use it as a polite code to communicate our anger and frustration. It’s truly helped us avoid many conflicts and stuff our issues so far down we’ll only remember them in ten years when he buys a Porsche or I fall in love with my ceramics teacher Amy.

Here is some corporate jargon that we’ve found useful for the home and how you can use it.

“LET’S TABLE THIS FOR ANOTHER TIME”

When you’re fighting right before family arrives, suggest that you table the conversation till after family leaves. By then, you’ll have plenty of other new topics to fight about.

“HOW ABOUT WE STREAMLINE THIS PROCESS”

When your partner isn’t moving as quickly as you’d like or doing something the way you do, suggest that you work together to streamline the process, but really just take over and do it your way until your partner slowly backs away from the dishwasher, Ikea furniture, gift wrap, remote control or thank you notes.

“THERE ARE LOTS OF MOVING PARTS HERE…”

When watching your partner struggle with something they will inevitably screw up, make sure that you point out how many moving parts there are so they feel secure in their frustration. This is also a nice segue into streamlining the process.

“LET’S CIRCLE BACK”

When you’re trying so hard to not lose your cool that your face starts to twitch, suggest circling back to finish the conversation at a later time (before one of you inevitably resurfaces that one petty fight from 2014 that all fights eventually come back to).

“YOU HAVE SO MANY CORE COMPETENCIES”

When your partner’s had a bad day at work, remind them of a small, useless ability they’re proud of (puzzles, making a taco out of their tongue, falling asleep in the first 5 minutes of a show). Call it agility or critical thinking and remind them how lucky you feel to have a partner with such unique skills.

“DRINKING FROM THE FIREHOSE”

When your partner’s stoic exterior cracks and you are forced to listen to their sad childhood stories – you may zone out, you may crack a smile thinking about that funny face they make when they taco tongue. Don’t beat yourself up; apologize and remind them that you’re just processing/trying to take it all in, drinking from the firehose that is their emotions.

“LET’S TOUCH BASE”

When you want your partner to leave you alone until a later time, ask for a touch-base later on in the day. But beware: you are most likely just postponing the same fight.

If none of these brings a new level of serenity to your relationship, try applying tactics you use with your work spouse. Or better yet, post about your relationship issues on Facebook or Twitter and let the public weigh in.

About the author

Molly Gallagher

San Francisco writer. Ice cream connoisseur.

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