Hello Company Whose Name I’ve Copy-Pasted into This Cover Letter,
I’m Molly, and I want to work at Your Company.
I first heard about Your Company 15 minutes ago, when I googled “entry-level marketing jobs in the Bay Area.” I’m not entirely sure what you do, but I skimmed your mission statement and I’m paraphrasing it here. I’m a big fan of your work.
I also took 30 seconds out of my life to check out your product, which I still don’t understand but will profusely compliment anyway. This paragraph is pretty convincing — but mostly just in that I’ve convinced myself that I want to work for you.
But the fact that I’m pretending to be passionate about your company isn’t the only reason to hire me. However, the skills I’m pretending to have are.
I’m excellent at all the qualities you listed in your job description, as long as they vaguely describe me. I’ll add a few examples of some times that I did something that it seems like something you want me to have done, like cure cancer or save the world from a nuclear holocaust. I truly am amazing, according to this cover letter.
I also have experience in some of the bullets you listed in the “responsibilities” section. Well, I’m not exactly an expert in Salesforce, but I did use it twice or once. Experience is really a subjective term, anyway.
I’m also going to tell you how I’m good with people, because you’re going to have to spend most of your waking hours with me and it’s imperative that you think you’ll like me. I should add a joke here, because you need to know that I’m not all work and no play. But it’ll be an ultra-tame PG-rated joke, not the typical pussy-punchline ones I’d tell my friends over drinks. After all, I still need to hide my real personality for at least another month.
I’ll also devote a paragraph to my non-work-related passions, because I’m a fucking interesting person, goddamnit. I’ll give some half-truths about how I spend my free time reading books, the New Yorker, and running, so you think I’m both intellectually pretentious and a type-A health nut. In reality, most of my spare time gets sucked down the social media rabbit hole, where I invest hours in keeping up with my ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend and that girl who commented on a picture of my husband in 2008.
It’s important that you know how much I love to learn, so you’re not totally forlorn after you hire me and you figure out that I’m pretty much starting from zero.
Now I’ll thank you for reading over my application, as if you’ve done me a favor. But really, you’re the one who asked for this cover letter in the first place.
I look forward to getting rejected from your company soon.
I’ll sign off with “Cheers,” so I sound easygoing, somewhat worldly, and like I’d fit in with your college fraternity brothers.