9 Alternative Retirement Plans For Poor Planners

By age 35 you should have saved twice your salary in a retirement account. Now some of you might be asking, what is a retirement account? We’re not sure either.

Let’s face it: it’s expensive to be alive and way too expensive to save. Trying to plan ahead for the inevitable day when you’re too feeble to work can be impossible.

Never fear! Here are 9 alternative retirement options that don’t involve any savings.

retirement account

1. Start a commune

Start a commune for other seniors who have no money. It’s so much cheaper to pack 15 WalMart greeters into a 3-bedroom ranch than it is to live by yourself. Plus, as the leader of the commune, you can charge a small monthly stipend from each resident, that way you don’t have to get a part-time job. It’s good to be queen!

2. Become a Guinea Pig for science

Medical trials need participants to test poorly researched medication for a myriad of human disease and they’re willing to pay up. Lucky for you they’re perpetually advertising on daytime TV. Sure, there’s a chance of horrendous side effects (like death) but who wants to live in a world without money?

3. Become a nun

The Catholic Church is in short supply of sisters these days which is an outstanding opportunity not to be homeless. Nuns get free housing, free food and a lot of free time pretending to pray. Are you a man? Don’t worry no one is going to notice under that bad habit.

4. Steal your grandchildren’s identities

Chances are they’re too young to realize someone has defaulted on a townhouse in their name or racked up hundreds of thousands of dollars in credit card debt. The best way not to get caught is to take out as many cash advances as you can as quickly as possible. Then head for Mexico.

5. Move into the abandoned periodicals section of your local library

With all of the world’s knowledge at our fingertips via the interwebs, the once mighty periodical section of the library is less visited than the local mall. No one will notice your camping stove and sleeping bag next to that microfiche reader when most of us aren’t even sure what a microfiche reader is. Bonus, the endless supply of ancient Time Magazines makes lovely kindling.

6. Pretend you’re visiting friends at a nursing home by day, sleep in a utility closet by night

The nursing home staff and residents will appreciate your kindness and dedication for visiting so regularly; they won’t even notice you’re stealing leftovers and catching naps in vacant beds before you retire to your cozy new home next to the water heater.

7. Convince a wealthy family that you’re the new butler

Put on your Sunday best and find the nearest estate; when you arrive knock on the door and let them know the “agency” sent you. Rich people have agencies for everything, and they won’t question you. Once inside all you’ll have to do is speak with a British accent, open doors and ring a bell for dinner.

8. Make like a tree and move into the local botanical garden

Head on down to WalMart for the finest head to toe camo ensemble. Now fill that ensemble with leafy branches, climb into the most densely forested part of the greenhouse and stand there all day for the rest of your life. You can eat out of the gift shop/cafe at night. Be sure to keep your mouth open when the sprinklers come on, so you don’t get dehydrated.

9. Turn to a life of crime

I recommend starting out as a bank robber. Once you’ve ridden that wave of crime sprees into prison, you’ll be treated to three square meals, a bed and the best healthcare tax money can buy. Not to mention you’ll be in the best shape of your life from working out in the yard with all your new friends. You’ll also have plenty of free time to read, do crossword puzzles and heck you’ve always talked about going back to school to finally get that degree in fine art – now’s your chance.

There are so many wonderful alternatives to saving and investing your whole life. Don’t let society dictate your retirement goals. Put that seventh trip to Cancun on your credit card. Buy those trendy designer fur pants. Don’t let the siren song of moving into 55+ housing in thirty years kill your dreams today.

About the author

Angela Argon

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