Your Procrastination Horoscope for This Month, or Whenever

As a licensed astrologer, I have no marketable skills. I do, however, have an inkling that your star sign is inextricably linked to how you procrastinate.

So whether you’re a Pisces or a Virgo, or both, here is your procrastination horoscope for this month or whenever.


Virgo horoscope

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Your extreme attention to detail will get the best of you this month, or whenever. Instead of making giant strides toward that deadline, you will be distracted by ever smaller and more minute details even though most of them don’t matter. Your time will be divided into smaller and smaller increments until the amount of time between point A and point B equals infinity (you’ll never get there).


LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Your mind is buzzing with so many brilliant ideas and possible directions. If and when you remember there’s a deadline, you find the thought of making progress positively oppressive. Amazingly though, you will get it done at the last second, or right after.


Scorpio horoscope

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

As a true Scorpio, you attack your objective with force and determination. You come in with guns blazing and a heart that aches for accomplishment, which is why it’s so sad you just spent 2 days working on the wrong thing. Your peers will be amazed at your ability to go off in the wrong direction without fail, and will be both bewildered and confused by your confidence that you were totally working on the right thing.


Sagittarius horoscope

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Is this thing really worth the effort? Will I really be happier if this thing gets done? If this really needs to be done, wouldn’t it have already been done? Isn’t the fact that this isn’t done a good indication that I don’t really need to do it? As a Sag, your philosophical ramblings will keep any actual progress at bay for months, even years, to come.


Capricorn horoscope

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Before you get something done, you must come up with the perfect plan. But once you have the plan, you realize an app would actually make your work a lot easier. When you can’t find an app to do it, you decide you better make that app yourself. Sure, you didn’t get a single thing done toward your goal, but your Kickstarter for the perfect spreadsheet template has amassed $24 and counting! It ultimately won’t get funded though, leading to a dark realization that you might just have to do some work now.


Aquarius horoscope

AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18)

You’re not going to get anything done for a very long time. You are the procrastinator’s procrastinator. Your naps lead to more naps, and your Cheetos to more Cheetos. Exciting for you this month – you will invent even more new ways to procrastinate. It will involve farm animals and horseradish. To overcome procrastination, try being born under a different sign.


Pisces horoscope

PISCES (February 19 to March 20)

Everyone knows your weakness – you love taking on way more than you can handle. Unfortunately you’re much better at theoretically doing stuff than actually doing stuff.


Aries

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Not only are you not going to get anything done this month, neither is anyone around you. Your headstrong nature and will lead others into the procrastination dungeon with you. New for you this month – you will break the world record for amount of time spent doing nothing. Why stop now?


Taurus horoscope

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

There will be many times when you come so close to getting something done this month. You did everything right. You read the producvity article on lifehacker, you made a list, you even put it on Instagram so that everyone knew how much you were going to get done. So why did you let your best friend talk your ear off for an hour? And why is she over at your house now? And where did that bottle of wine come from? No one knows. But you’ll do it all over again tomorrow.


Gemini horoscope

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

Wikipedia will be your enemy again this month, or whenever. You are earnest in your research attempts but somehow reading about WWII leads to Game of Thrones episode summaries leads to the net worth of your favorite celebrities and 4 hours later you have amassed a wealth of knowledge that is utterly and totally useless. Luckily though, you’ve convinced your boss that the deadline should be pushed back, so you’re good to go.


Cancer horoscope

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Each time you try to get something done this month, or whenever, your friends and family will conveniently need you to do something, even if they don’t actually ask. Your work is important but not as important as buying that gift, planning drinks with the girls or talking on the phone with your mom. These are the things that really matter, right? Hopefully your boss will understand.


Leo horoscope

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

How are you supposed to get anything done this month when, frankly, everything that’s asked of you is utterly beneath you? You’re a big picture thinker so why do people want you to be a small details doer? Obviously the only person who should be telling you what to do is, well, you. But even if you could get beyond the fact that your time could be so much better spent other ways, you’ll end up taking a nap anyway.

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