SAN FRANCISCO, CA—On the first day following No Meeting June, CEO Terry Lam gathered his company for a mandatory emergency All-Hands meeting to announce the start of “We Have No Clue What We’re Doing July”.
“Traffic to our site is flat, sales have dropped dramatically, and product hasn’t shipped anything in weeks,” Lam disclosed to his 150 employees. Amidst the anxious murmurs, however, he assured that they at least “were able to focus for long stretches of uninterrupted time.”
“We had a two two-week sprints with no meetings. By the end, not only did we fail to meet most of our sprint goals, there also were no engineers physically at work,” Mike Hoffman, VP of Engineering, told reporters. “Well, I actually couldn’t tell, because I was working from home for the last two weeks.”
“Sales are down 87% from last month,” lamented VP of Sales, Sarah Bross, “because none of our account executives scheduled any meetings with their prospects.” She added that it wasn’t entirely awash: ” one of our sales guy set a company—and industry—record by closing a deal entirely over email.”
Unfortunately, not all teams benefited from the extended emphasis on focus. Engineering manager, Teresa Marin, felt she was given too much time to think. She ultimately left the company to explore “grander, more pressing existential conflicts” by becoming a monk. She could not be reached for comment.
“Missing all of our goals is no big deal, because I’m ecstatic to announce the beginning of “We Have No Clue What We’re Doing July”,” Lam enthusiastically pitched to this company, adding “it’s basically institutionalized casual lock down.”
At press time, Lam was seen adding to the company-wide calendar: “No email or Slack 2018”.