MENLO PARK, CA — In what sources are describing as an absolute catastrophe, 21-year-old local resident and startup CEO Eric Foster realized halfway through his pitch to venture capitalists that he had no idea what the fuck he was saying.
“Everything started off great,” said Eric, recalling how he stayed up the night before finding the perfect stock photo featuring smiling people of color for his slide deck. “I honestly thought I had this in the bag when I mentioned that we are going to change the world. I guess not.”
Despite numerous attempts at salvaging the rest of the pitch, Eric was unable to convince anyone in the room that “pivoting to a free model” was an innovative idea worth billions of dollars.
“I knew it was game over the moment one of the partners asked how we’d make money,” confessed Eric. “Instead of giving an honest answer, I just babbled on about A/B testing and being the next Uber for canned soup.”
When asked at press time what he’ll do next, Eric was committed to saving his startup, saying how there’s bound to be one or two firms that will hand him millions of dollars no matter what he says.